Maybe it's just me, but I can't seem to recall a friend I have here in this new city that wants to be what I define as a true friend.
Okay, so here's the deal. I moved to this place last year, I came from a small town where everyone knows each other. Moving to the big city is a big change for me, of course I'd want to establish some ties up here. My "best friend" (let's call him James) also moved up here with me, we stayed in separate apartments, but he soon moved back because he couldn't afford the rent. However, I stayed in Charlotte and became close to one of the girls he introduced me to, let's call her Mary.
James and I have been close friends for so long I can't even remember how we met. Either I have changed or he has changed. He never wants to hear me talk about my problems after I had the guy I had been talking to/dating broke my heart last year, BUT he expects me to listen to him and agree with everything he says. Everytime I speak out against him, he gets angry and doesn't talk to me anymore. Isn't he just over reacting? Well, at least that's what I think.
Hm, so what happened the other night was that he sent me an IM and told me that Mary was mad at me. She was mad because I stereotyped her friends and pretty much thought I excluded them from our hiking trip because I thought they were bad influence. I told her the space was limited and she could only bring 4 of her friends. I guess she didn't really get it through her head the real lines behind it... "too many people in one place = trouble (especially our crowd)"
After I had found that out, I basically exploded and left home for awhile. I drove to the next state to visit a girlfriend of mine that I grew up with. With Mary being mad at me, it finally made me crack. I couldn't hold in all of the pressure, problems, and whatnot I've been suppressing for so long. It felt good to vent, but I still feel like shit. I haven't talked to Mary, James... or much of anyone. I don't think I'm going to or will be able to for quite some time.
Sometimes I believe that I'm just better off alone. I'm better off without friends. I'd have less to worry about and think about. I'd have so much time to myself.
Sometimes I wondre if I'm lying ot myself. Am I trying to be this person that everyone wants to hang out with? Am I trying to conform into a society full of hypocrites and traitors? No... I'm taking a step back and taking a long hard look at what I've become. I've lied to myself to gain popularity, since that's what college is all about right? No way. I get a chance to be myself again and I'm not throwing this away.
